Leaning In

The most interesting thing about baldness is the feeling of air on my scalp. Not unpleasant but a bit cold. March 9, eight of us gathered, I call it my coven. Powerful and beautiful women – I mean beautiful, all shining with spirit, ranged from 30s to 70s. Before the others arrived I set space and intention, honoring the land, directions and elements, asking for support. When they had all arrived we gathered in a circle and opened to the intention of the gathering. Several things were read but sticking most in my mindwas that borrowed from Vedic astrologer Marga Laube’s latest posting:

“Imagine encountering every stranger and every situation in total openness, as if who or what you were encountering was a well-told and well-acted story, going on inside you. No judgment, no separation, no resistance, no fear. What would that feel like? 

When the judgment, separation, resistance, or fear comes up, can we ask ourselves, "Do I want to stay limited and act out my old patterns? Or am I ready to step into the truth of who I really am?"

When the world is in a big churn, can we meet the raucous intensity with enthusiasm? Instead of leaning back, can we lean in? http://transformative-astrology.com/

Then, I knelt before the fire pit and as the beauties sang, held me, laughed, smudged, shaved my head, howled like wolfs and poured blessed water over me. I liberated, we were charting new territory, coming together as one, allowing pure emotion, being transparent and honoring life in its raw chaotic beauty. Perhaps a small inconsequential gathering in the eyes of some but, I think, all of us gathered recognized an energy celebrated by the cosmos; we were breaking-ground, creating something new and exciting. 

All my life has been a search for love.  Having a preconceived notion of what was required, I expected a warped form of perfection that doesn’t exist, shouldn’t exist. The unmeetable unrealistic expectations arose from a misconception and mistrust of life and an attempt to hold on to the structure of misbelief because, even though it was horrible, cold and isolating, in its familiarity, it felt safe. While experiencing last night’s ceremony a shift occurred, a release from dogma and the expectation of how it should be, how we should act. Then came an invitation to love and laughter. I didn’t feel like ironing my shirt or the tablecloth, so I didn’t!  In the preparation I followed my heart, feeling support and love from the land and elements while asking for help to forgive my family, friends and myself, recognizing that all we have ever done is search for comfort, love and a safe place to land. 

Is it that the world has changed and those around me can offer a more pure love? Or, have I changed, finally recognizing life’s loving, joyous, raucous, messy form. There is an opening and the light shining though is a great gift.

 

With deep gratitude and love to:

Annie - https://www.facebook.com/pages/Inspired-Chiropractic-Dr-Annie-Glavey/456377024390531

Beverly - http://beverlymcfarland.com/bevbio.htm

Christine - http://wholewoman.com/

Deb - http://www.debbyandersen.com/

Julie - http://juliebrinkley.com/index.htm

Lea - https://www.facebook.com/lea.donatelli.3?ref=ts&fref=ts

River - www.experiencethebreath.com

https://www.facebook.com/Experience.the.Breath

www.hearingtheanimals.com

And Juliana, who, while not here physically was a most essential part - http://www.astralharmony.com/

Choices

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3/8/13 Friday

Today was tuff. Up at 4:30 had to make a 6:30 AM MRI and then a MUGA at 10. Two different check ins at two different facilities, two different IV access sticks and two different weird machines, the last of this weeks many.

Lying in the MRI, on my belly, no real head support, being told not to move and something hitting under my left breast and hurting, I understood why people loose it in these machines. Even with my ability to dissociate I felt a bit panicky. Suddenly, remembering there was a choice, I took as deep a breath as possible and called for support – of course, it was right there, had been all the time, just waiting for me to connect and the comfort was quick and perfect. 

The beeps and grinds began to sound like sacred scalar (http://sacredscalarenergy.com/), a sound/vibration healing method. Next the machines energy waves turned to rainbow light bombarding me with heavenly healing energy. As they injected radioactive juice into my veins I noted its quality of gold flecks suspended in golden elixir, my soul's color. Panic turned to deep gratitude for the machines, brilliant minds and technologies and I could feel the intention, compassion and brilliance of those who created them to help heal.

Tomorrow is when my beautiful Goddess friends come to participate in a celebration/ceremony to shave my head. There are so many issues that cause me pause. I stopped to think, why do I want to and why do I not?

Want to:

A celebration surrounded by incredible loving women supporting me in releasing the ego association with hair.

Taking charge and honoring life where I can

Being vulnerable, open, receiving from others.

Releasing my hair as an offering and connecting more deeply to spirit.

Creating meaningful ceremony 

Don’t want to:

Other peoples reaction

Duh – no contest.

The Tattoo

Today, after visiting the surgeon, I thought about how I always wanted to have an eyeliner tattoo and that now was the perfect time, since losing my eyelashes would mean that eye makeup wouldn’t stay on. And, I can't do it after I start “chemo” (which from now on will be referred to as nectar or alchemy.) So, I called a friend of mine who had done it and asked, where and how? She hooked me up with her girl and there was an opening for tonight.  I'm early for the appointment and there is a Taco Cabana right in front, it's been a hard week and I know they have 2-dollar margaritas so what the heck. I decide to go in and have a margarita and read my book.

Most know I'm not much of a drinker and am easily effected by alcohol....but finally, I go in. The tattoo lady and I chat about what I want and she says, “What about your eyebrows?”

My response was, “Well, I hadn't thought about that. I guess so.” And she did. Holy Shit, the next two hours were pure hell, excruciating pain, the kind of pain that made me wonder why those who torture use water boarding when they could easily get information this way.

Finally, she has me sit up to look in the mirror and it was even HOLIER SHIT!!!  My largely natural hardly ever-plucked eyebrows are black as coal, arched lines that look like the Joker's in Batman, but with black shoe polish. Or, have you seen the skinny old ladies who hang out in bars smoking cigs and they have these eyebrows they've painted on with the black eyebrow pencil that comes in the cheap red plastic container?  That's me now. Tattoo lady is very sweet (Michelle) she can tell I'm freaking and keeps assuring me that it will fade (she used blonde...) It still really hurts.

I keep looking in the mirror and thinking, who is that freak??!!

She used blonde on my eyebrows but they look black. My referral friend said that's normal and the black will peel off to a more natural color - Lordy May Pearl I hope so. Wish they made hats for eyebrows - I was thinking of wearing Groucho Marx glasses or immediate laser removal.

A week later – the eyebrows do look more natural now, or at least I’m used to them. I had my head shaved Saturday evening (more on that later)  and the eyebrows help my eyes pop out with the baldness. Still not completely healed but I’m loving my new look and letting my freak flag fly! 

Groucho Marx Lydia the Tattooed Lady - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4zRe_wvJw8